If I have learned anything in the last few years, it is the process of being accountable. For a very long time, it was easy for me to put the blame on something or someone else. Being wrong or making a mistake wasn’t the issue. The true issue was the reaction received from the other person. I learned this behavior as a child. My mother is a reactive person. I am not pointing fingers at her, but merely stating that my behavior was a survival skill. If I was in error, it was easier to lie than to be honest. I used this in many of my relationships which didn’t boast for healthy interactions. I was unable to admit my errors for fear of the backlash.
I take care of many of my mother’s needs. At 83, she is still spunky and vibrant, but still expects perfection. Sadly, she becomes disappointed in me since I am simply an imperfect human. Yesterday, I made a mistake and owned it. Unfortunately, I was scolded like a child for my error. Now, putting it into context, I did the right thing. I was accountable for the error. The mistake was simply about paying too much for a can of hairspray that she had requested, but by her reaction, you would have thought that her bank account was cleaned out. Here is what I know today. The reactions of other people aren’t my responsibility. I also realize that most of the reactions from my mother stem from fear. Growing up in the depression, she is consistently financial fearful. After our conversation, I did have several moments of feeling like a banished child. As soon I wrote about the situation in my journal, I became an adult again and was able to put it in context.
I am not perfect. (Thank GOD) I am a human being willing to show up and admit my wrongs. Today, that is what I am proud of most. As for my mother, well, God love her, I am grateful that she forces me to use the tools I have in my tool belt. While she expects a great deal from people, I don’t have to allow her expectations to swallow me whole. Grateful that I carry that in all my relationships.
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