Square Peg ● Round Hole







If I have learned anything in the last few years, it is the process of being accountable.   For a very long time, it was easy for me to put the blame on something or someone else.   Being wrong or making a mistake wasn’t the issue.  The true issue was the reaction received from the other person.   I learned this behavior as a child.  My mother is a reactive person.  I am not pointing fingers at her, but merely stating that my behavior was a survival skill.  If I was in error, it was easier to lie than to be honest.  I used this in many of my relationships which didn’t boast for healthy interactions.  I was unable to admit my errors for fear of the backlash.

I take care of many of my mother’s needs.  At 83, she is still spunky and vibrant, but still expects perfection.  Sadly, she becomes disappointed in me since I am simply an imperfect human.   Yesterday, I made a mistake and owned it.  Unfortunately, I was scolded like a child for my error.  Now, putting it into context, I did the right thing.   I was accountable for the error.  The mistake was simply about paying too much for a can of hairspray that she had requested, but by her reaction, you would have thought that her bank account was cleaned out.  Here is what I know today.  The reactions of other people aren’t my responsibility.  I also realize that most of the reactions from my mother stem from fear.  Growing up in the depression, she is consistently financial fearful.  After our conversation, I did have several moments of feeling like a banished child.    As soon I wrote about the situation in my journal, I became an adult again and was able to put it in context.  

I am not perfect.  (Thank GOD)    I am a human being willing to show up and admit my wrongs.  Today, that is what I am proud of most.    As for my mother, well, God love her, I am grateful that she forces me to use the tools I have in my tool belt. While she expects a great deal from people, I don’t have to allow her expectations to swallow me whole.   Grateful that I carry that in all my relationships.