I grew up with the security of a smart, industrious father who always made me feel safe. When we took car trips, I could rest easy with him at the wheel. It wasn’t that my mother was a bad driver, but there was something in a “man in charge” that provided that safe haven. Maybe it was society at the time calling on men to lead the homestead, but it is uncanny how my mentality has carried through when I am confronted by a challenging situation.
I married an extremely competent man. Brian can fix, build, and solve just about any issue that occurs in our home. When we travel by car, I love that he drives as I feel safer that way. It is so amusing that there are certain instances where the feelings of incompetence seize me. It is odd to have those bubbling insecurities that the root is unknown. You see, I am very competent in a ton of areas. I see myself as this evolved, independent woman full of confidence. So where did this 1950s woman come from, that still thinks some things are better left for the man?
This week, Brian was called away on business. The day he left, we experienced a swift wind that carried a rather large limb down from one of my beloved trees. Instantly, the questions rambled in my mind about how I would rectify this situation. I even consulted my fifteen year old for his opinion as he surveyed the limb. Friends offered their husband’s capable abilities. What struck me was peering out the window this morning and feeling that the limb was heckling me. Taunting me with sexist remarks that fed my insecurities. So, I went out there. No real plan, but I knew that this limb would not define me, defeat me, but instead empower me. In 30 minutes time, I had cut it up, jumped on portions of it to break larger areas, and cleaned up the debris. I was feeling smug. It was a moment that I wanted to scream, “BOOM, Bitches!”, but no one was around to hear it and I felt silly saying it to myself.
I want my boys to see a strong, capable woman in their mother. While I stride through life feeling a sense of well-being in regards to the competency factor, there are these moments where I find it shines through even brighter. It is my awakening that there is nothing wrong with being taken care of and feeling secure as long as I don’t breed a sense of incompetence.
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