Recently, I committed to doing a 21 day meditation practice as I am hit or miss in this area. The focus is basically adjusting your belief system. For me, my beliefs stem from, what I thought was a sturdy foundation only to realize that I have conditions on my beliefs. For example, I can wake up, refreshed and ready to seize the day with a resounding, “this is going to be a great day”. Only to qualify it later when I have experienced a difficult situation with, “this would have been a great day, if that hadn’t happened”. My belief system is easily tainted.
I am on the fourteenth day and I have had some real awakenings. One being that I am easily swayed by the moods of others. Let me clarify. I am easily swayed by those with whom I share an intense emotional attachment. I realized that after an exchange with someone and afterwards, I was annoyed….pissed to be perfectly blunt. Through my spiritual practice, I had stumbled upon one of my biggest testers……when someone who isn’t in a good place accuses me of something that I didn’t do, I immediately arrive on the side of defense. I had been attacked. Instead of stepping back and realizing that they are in a place of fear and that it isn’t about me, I got mad. Arguing with someone who is irrational is like arguing with a drunk person…..it is a no win situation. Been there and done that with no success at all.
When I feel hurt or attacked, it is human nature to want to fight the wrong. I want the amends and accountability from that person. However, what I need to do is forgive them. Ugh! I just hate spiritual awakenings sometimes. Holding grudges feels right, but in the end, that grudge or resentment only hurts me. Living life with conditions not only limits the experience, but doesn’t allow me to live expand, grow, learn, and thrive. Life is never effortless.