Last night sleep escaped me. It was as if I was the stalker and it took out a restraining order on me. I was unable to get within 200 feet of it. As I tossed and turned, my brain resembled a corn maze – searching for the exit, but always falling short. When I have these nights of sleep taking a hiatus, I know I should get up and write. That is what my soul is telling me…..begging me, but I abstained from taking that action.
One of the things I am grappling with is whether to react or take action. Since seeking a spiritual solution almost 15 years ago, I have learned that actions and reactions have to be thought out, paused, and possibly, skipped. A recovering “reactionholic” – new word I created that means “every situation sought an over the top reaction full of drama”. I still have my moments where a reaction takes me hostage.
Yesterday, I had a situation where action was requested and my reaction was annoyance. What I know today is that neither is required. I can take my time in responding to the request or I can simply not participate. It is my choice. Choices are good. As a recovering people pleaser, I wasn’t aware of the concept. I conformed to fit their mold. It was easier than to fight for what I wanted because, well, at that time I didn’t know enough about me to tell anyone what I wanted.
I don’t want to be categorized or labeled as if I were part of a catalog. I don’t want to be boxed into a decision that makes me uncomfortable. I definitely don’t want to be defined by someone’s else distorted perception of me or a situation that involves me. It is complicated, twisted, and tangled, but allowing myself the dignity of time to either engage or let go brings me peace.