Square Peg ● Round Hole







“I’m going to order a new air mattress.” My spouse says this to me in passing like someone would say “What a beautiful day”. Like it wouldn’t register that this would be the third air mattress ordered in less than a year. I can’t even blame 2020 because all were purchased last year . You know, the year that we are currently grieving as we miss it so much.

I exhale with a very heavy sigh. My eyes might have rolled in a extremely exaggerated way and I responded, “Are you fucking kidding me?”. Because friends, my biggest nemesis is this particular inanimate object. You might be wondering what Bailey and Brian are doing to said mattress to make it deflate. The amount of patch work my spouse has done is excessive. And please, let’s not forget the constant sound of my son reinflating it. It accompanies me throughout the day like a stalker. But, to answer the question of why these mattresses continue to die in our home might have something to do with one of our cats.

You see, the mattress takes up a lot of space. It also happens to be near the utility room where the litter box and cat food reside. Sure, there are plenty of other ways for our feline family member to get to her destination, but she doesn’t want to do that. Instead, she walks purposely over the delightful object that is in her way. I think she is trying to send them a message. It is basically our cat’s way of flipping them off. But, they are too oblivious to receive it.

I ordered the air mattress yesterday with the stipulation that when it isn’t in use, they move it out of the way so Oreo doesn’t try to murder it. Simple request that will probably fall on deaf ears. Then my very brave spouse says, “Do you think you could get one with the pillows built-in?”. Really, Brian? Really? You are making requests. Whatever. I did order one with the built-in pillows because I am a glutton for punishment. The cycle of insanity is running rampant.

I am sure that when it arrives and is inflated to Bailey’s satisfaction, Oreo with look at it and say, “Challenge accepted”. From my lips to God’s ear, this is the last air mattress that will EVER enter our home. Does Amazon sell straight-jackets? Asking for a friend.