My mother’s rapid shift came to a head this weekend when she was transported to the ER where she was diagnosed with a raging UTI along some neurological issues that require an MRI that is being done today. It has been a very long 36 hours as her mental capacity borders on delusion, paranoia, and harsh outbursts. It doesn’t help that I don’t feel heard by her doctor. Yesterday, I unleashed my inner bitch and I am cautiously optimistic that things will shift into a more productive direction.
I’m tired.
I’m angry.
I’m sad.
It’s like a roller coaster of emotional upheaval that between dealing with doctors and arranging for her caregivers to still be with her at the hospital, I have zero fucks to give at this point. Yesterday, she didn’t know my name. She thinks the nurses are trying to kill her. She refuses her medication. She is scared and honestly, I am so sad that the end of her life is so chaotic. It seems so unfair, yet here we are.
I am grateful for her caregivers who are following us on this journey. It takes the burden off of me and allows me to self-care. A friend reminded me that it is a honor to be present for this stage of life. I have to keep remembering that because right now everything seems so big and overwhelming. I am not doing this alone. I have a team full of friends and family that are walking along beside me.
My goal is to simply breath. Take one moment at a time and pray that God gives her the peace that she so deserve. I just have to trust the process.
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