Shoe horns. That is what I am finding most when cleaning out my mother’s home…..my childhood home. I suppose some go back to my father, but honestly, I am baffled at the amount. It is like they are multiplying as I find them. Maybe my parents wanted to start a shoe horn museum. Kidding. Maybe. Anyone need a shoe horn?
This past week I moved forward. Distracting myself with all the formalities that go with settling an estate. It’s a lot of work, but fortunately, my mother was very Type A which works in our favor. Her drawers are empty and she was meticulous in organizing her files. What a gift. The distractions have given me another focus, so I am not thinking about the grief that is bubbling.
Friday night, I went to a party for one of my soul sisters. It was the first time I didn’t bring my cell phone with me. It was the first time I went out and had a blast without worrying about my mother. Did I feel guilty for smiling and having fun with the my tribe? No. I needed it like I need oxygen. The week was so heavy and my birthday mixed in with it, so this was a welcome reprieve. But then the rest of the weekend happened and grief decided I needed to feel. And boy did I.
My body is an excellent indicator of when I need to pause. Yesterday, my body ached, my stomach was off, and I was exhausted. The beauty is I paid attention. I rested in bed. Read a book. I was quiet and cranky. Ask my spouse. He was the unfortunate recipient of my bad attitude. This is grief, friends. There is no timetable. It just creeps in and out without warning. The beauty is that I have some friends that have already walked through this with losing their mother. I know this feeling won’t last forever. Today, I will bask in the acceptance that grief will be my companion and remembering that grief is really just left over love for the person that is no longer here. Easy does it.