Square Peg ● Round Hole







We have an overwhelming gang presence in our neighborhood. This particular group is relentless in their invasion of our home. Their presence is silent, but when they are discovered, the insanity is palpable. I don’t want to seem overly dramatic, but we are talking fight club material. These assholes are the bane of my existence and they go by the name of stink bugs.

The freeloading assholes have decided to march in and enjoy the sanctuary that is our home. They fly (hard pass on flying insects especially in my home), make odd noises, and frankly, piss me off because I can’t squash them like a normal bug. It takes the joy out of committing murder. Do you know what happens if you step on one? They release special pheromones that actually attract more of their friends which could lead to an infestation. Nice.

While I googled more information on this particular group of insects, I noticed some odd inquiries. For instance, can stink bugs be kept as pets? Probably asked by the same person who wanted to know if Tide pods are edible. You can’t make this shit up. The argument can be made that they are financially friendly. No vet bills. No pet food. Just go outside and forage for some beetles or caterpillars. Seriously, WTAF?

Let’s get back to my issue. These gang members have multiplied. My dogs are less than interested in helping protect the homestead and our cats are lazy, so it has fallen to me to figure out the best way to discourage their presence. My process is very delicate. When I spot one in our home, I have two methods. Sometimes, I use my vacuum and then empty it into our outside trash can. Other times, I gently remove them with a paper towel. I prefer the vacuum method, only because these assholes fly, and there is a lot of screaming coming out of my mouth when it manages to get out of the paper towel.

They have it in for me. Yesterday, I went to open the door to our backyard, and TWO flew in my hair! MY HAIR! There was screaming. There was dancing. The dancing was not my best work, but it did get them away from me. My dogs were no help. They just bounced along with me and thought I was playing. I was definitely NOT playing. Here is my open letter to these delightful creations of God.

Attention stink bugs…..I didn’t kill any of your friends. Okay, maybe a few by the way of the vacuum, but in my defense, they deserved it. I just don’t think it warrants that the head stink bugs called in the troops. The two that met their demise were lazy. You know I did you guys a favor. Nobody needs dead weight especially in a gang. Think about that before you elevate your attack system. I feel like there are others you could bother. Thank you for listening, but I will probably have to endure your presence anyway. You guys are assholes.

I am sure that will fall on deaf ears. Do stink bugs have ears? I don’t know. What I do know is that I have officially lost my mind, so well-played, stink bugs, well-played.