Honest

If we are going to continue to have a relationship, I need to be honest with you. Do you remember last week where I shared that we are currently car sharing because Brian’s mode of transportation has been in the shop for three weeks? Remember how I said that I was in so much peace about it? Yesterday, that changed and I had a hard time getting to the place of acceptance.

Now that isn’t to say that I haven’t enjoyed getting up well before the roosters, to drive my spouse to work. Picking him up has been amusing since it looks like school letting out when his shift ends. I have never seen grownups run like they are wanted fugitives escaping from prison. It is every man and woman for themselves as they peel out of the parking lot.

I have been so peaceful, quiet and rooted in this place of comfort that I struggled when it shifted yesterday. We were discussing our car being held hostage with a friend, when my spouse states, that while he is enjoying our ride share, he does enjoy having his own car. Fair statement. Totally normal. Until the filter in my mouth stops working and I mutter, “If that were true, I sure haven’t seen any urgency on your part”. Even my own eyes bulged and the room went eerily quiet. So, I do my best to pivot and redirect the conversation. Was it true? Yes. Was it necessary to say? No. Was it kind? No. I hate that it made me feel unkind, but it did allow me to identify the culprit. Grief.

I felt off yesterday. When I feel uncomfortable and don’t know why, that makes me even more uncomfortable. It wasn’t until later in the evening that I identified the issue. Yesterday, would have been my mother’s 93rd birthday. I also ran into the Hosparus social worker that was so helpful when my aunt was transitioning. I guess I didn’t realize that I was feeling sad. That inability to identify the discomfort, led to my outburst which could be described as sideways anger. Once I could feel that grief, it was as if a lightness came over me. It doesn’t matter how long someone has been gone, that grief doesn’t leave. It lessens. It is the price we pay when we love someone so deeply.

I allowed myself to feel my feelings. To cry. To acknowledge that grief still lingers. Instead of trying to outrun it, I melt into it. Surprise, surprise……it was never about the car. It was all the unacknowledged feelings that bubbled to the top. Grateful that I have the awareness today and have a healthier way of processing them.