Part of caring for my aging mother is finding the ideal caregiver.  This is important because I can’t be it.  I tried and we almost killed each other.   For both of our safety and sanity, it is important that we hire a special worker.   For the last three years, we have had the ideal candidate.   As of last night, we are back to square one because she quit.

I think there are a multitude of reasons for her abrupt (not really, as I was waiting for the gauntlet to fall) departure.   My mother has become increasingly difficult with the changes in her eyesight and her struggles with depression.    She is fearful. When she is fearful, she is combative.    Fortunately, my sister was here for the face-to-face resignation, so she was able to comfort my mother.  However, my sister has a life in another state, so the task of finding someone that won’t run screaming from the house is on the top of my to-do list today.

When I am anxious and stressed, it manifest physical.  Last night after receiving the news, I got a headache.   The reality is finding someone won’t be easy.   The process last time went something like this……”She seems nice.”  and her response usually fell into the lines of some ridiculous annoyance like she doesn’t look trustworthy, she’s too fat, she’s too lazy, or my favorite, I don’t like her hair.

So, today we start from square one.   I am embracing process hoping that I can be kind and compassionate.    This is hard.  She is losing someone that she cared deeply about, but I have to look at it as a blessing.  A blessing because, well, they have been fighting lately.    Mom is fearful and her caregiver is going through something in her life as well.  While this makes my head hurt, this isn’t about me.  This is about finding someone who will lovingly care for my mother when I can’t.

So, pray for us.   Pray that there is some angel out there with the patience of Mother Teresa.  Pray that during this process, I don’t lose my shit.   Pray that my mother can have an open mind and heart.   But most of all, pray that I don’t end up in a padded cell.  I am not good for anyone there.     (Just kidding……this too shall pass.)