So, Halloween is tomorrow. No, really, it is. Check the calendar. Oh, right, you are probably confused by all of the people who want to change the date. You know, because it is on a weeknight and their precious children might suffer the next day. Or, because the weather might not be ideal. Suck. It. Up.

I grew up in the age of no seat belts, bike helmets, and the absence of a remote control for the television. My parents didn’t bitch and whine about a “date change” to accommodate their schedule or the weather for God’s sake. Halloween is on October 31st for a reason. Back before Tide Pods were eaten by stupid humans, Halloween originated from the ancient Gaelic festival, Samhain. It was a day to celebrate the end of the harvest season as it literally means, “summer’s end”. The word Halloween itself is a Scottish term for All Hallows Eve which is basically the evening before All Saints’ Day. All Saints’ Day is November 1st. The day after October 31st. Everything goes in order. Does that make sense? Does that help those of you who are constantly polling everyone to see if the date can be changed?

It’s like asking Jesus to change his birthday. Look, celebrate it whenever you want, but stop trying to change the damn date. Stop asking who is giving out candy and on what day. My emails were inundated yesterday regarding that very issue. (Oh, and I got a text from Trump inviting me to a rally, but that is a totally different story.) Here is a tip, if the porch light is off, chances are candy will not be given to your kid. If you knock on people’s door any other day than what is dictated on the calendar as Halloween, chances are you will be stared at through a RING doorbell and, again, no candy will be given to your kid.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Go forth and collect candy with your kid. Then go home and rush your child to bed because it’s a school night. Once they are asleep, proceed to raid their stash. That’s good parenting, friends. Teaches them to experience disappointment when they search for their Reese’s.