It has been a week full of experiences. Some weeks have more than others. Tuesday was my 58th birthday. I was relieved to find out I wasn’t going to be 59. For some reason, I had that number in my head. Nothing wrong with being 59, I just wasn’t ready for that.
As a family, we have been walking through my father-in-law transitioning. It has been a nine week journey that resulted in our family getting the opportunity to be fully present for him. We had pockets of moments that allowed us to create this beautiful landscape of memories. My relationship with him was complicated but through the years, we have healed that fracture. He even giggled when I said to him, “I know our relationship has been complicated.”, then I followed it up with, ” But I am grateful that you were part of creating this beautiful human that I get to spend my life with and I am glad you were my father-in-law”.
(Now, you are probably confused with the intro to this blog being about my birthday and then you might now have whiplash after sharing my experience with my father-in-law. I promise the two are connected.)
Tuesday was the first day that Clarence was resting peacefully. When I left the night before, his last words to me were, “Did you get your birthday card?” as if he were checking off his to do list before he left this world. On my birthday, I sat up at the hospital with some family members. I did this not because of obligation, but as a way of being of service. Sure, I was holding my breath hoping he didn’t decide to pass away on my special day, but I reconciled that issue. I know that God’s timing is always perfect.
He passed away peacefully Wednesday afternoon surrounded by people that loved him. It was all divinely orchestrated to give us that time with him. Now the adjustment is upon us. We all will grieve differently and process this new dynamic in our own way. Grief is an epic bitch, but one that is essential as we walk through life.
Grief is not optional when we love hard. I read this beautiful passage that said when we miss those who are gone, love ourselves harder as if they were still with us. It is a powerful reminder that I get to grieve because I have been blessed with a lot of people to love. It is all part of the human experience.
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