Twenty-four years ago today, Brian and I started our journey of self-discovery. Brian discovered he had a drinking problem and I realized that I was a control freak who thought she could manage Brian’s alcoholism. We were a bit fractured. Not shattered. Definitely repairable. It just took a while to begin to heal. We are still healing, but through our respective 12-step programs we are walking through the discomfort and living a better life than I could have ever imagined.
I look back and feel for that 34-year-old woman with two young children desperately seeking peace. Trying to find the safety in her life. She was a hot mess sprinkled with bitterness. While I hardly recognize that part of myself, I am grateful for her willingness to stay in the solution. Recovery isn’t an obligation anymore. It isn’t a temporary fix. It is a privilege to claim my seat and openly seek serenity. To no longer be a prisoner to someone else’s emotional baggage. Today, I bask in my own light instead of looking to someone else to make me happy.
There is so much hope in these rooms. I think most people don’t understand why I would continue to go to meetings, step studies, and sponsoring newcomers when my husband is sober. Here is the reality….alcoholism is a family disease. This isn’t the first generation suffering. Brian and I come from a long line of colorful alcoholics. For us, this is just another facit of our life.
I am still writing my story. I will share that all of the hours spent searching for the how to fix Brian, led me to this life-changing conclusion……I am worthy of peace, love, and forgiveness. That isn’t up to anyone else to provide but me. I have choices and that is a powerful place to be.
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